Hi Psych! My partner and I have been together for a really long time, and we love each other, but we also have a hard time when we fight, and say things we don’t mean that are hurtful. How do we improve our communication with each other?
Often couples come into couples therapy because they want to improve their communication. Maybe arguments are feeling a bit explosive. Or one of you is feeling like you’re not being heard. Sometimes we don’t feel like we have the tools to find solutions to our issues. It is very normal for relationships to go through ups and downs, and even have recurrent problems, or themes that come up really regularly in fights.
Of course, physical violence is never ok. If this is something you are struggling with, please reach out to 1800RESPECT.
When it comes to other kinds of miscommunication in disagreements, the good news is there are some tried and tested strategies to help you communicate in a positive way with your partner.
In Gottman therapy, we often speak about certain behaviours that can damage a relationship over time. These are referred to as The Four Horsemen, and include criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These behaviours can be unhelpful, harmful to a relationship, escalate conflict, and over time can even become relationship-destroying communication patterns.
Thankfully, there are Antidotes to The Four Horseman that can be learned to resolve conflict and encourage positive communication between partners. Many individuals and couples learn to improve their communication and relationship enormously, by learning these skills.
The Gentle Startup is the antidote to criticism. It involves communicating about problems in a calm and gentle way. This means that if you are feeling emotionally escalated, angry, or very upset, you start by taking some time out until you are feeling calmer. Then when you are feeling calmer, you could choose to raise an issue using an “I” statement, rather than a “you statement” (or an accusation). An “I statement” is when we speak about how something makes us feel, without placing blame on our partner. For example, “I feel frustrated when there are dirty clothes left on the bathroom floor.”
The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility for even part of the problem. This means moving away from having to be right, or trying to “win” an argument. It also means not behaving like you’re powerless in situations where you do have some control. Taking responsibility means reflecting on your part in the problem, acknowledging it, and making amends. This is often only possible if both people in the relationship are willing to do the same – it can feel difficult and vulnerable to take responsibility for our part in a problem if we are feeling criticised! So this strategy goes hand in hand with the aforementioned gentle startup, and respectful, kind communication.
Sharing Fondness and Admiration is the antidote to Contempt. This communication technique helps us focus on our partner’s strengths, and encourages us to communicate positive feelings to them. It is also about acknowledging, validating and respecting your partner’s innermost feelings, and having shared moments together. You can start by thinking of one positive thing that you like about your partner and let them know! If you really want to focus on this area, you could complete a fun and self-paced Seven Week Course in Fondness and Admiration.
Stonewalling is when we emotionally shut down or go silent during important conversations. The antidote to this is for the stonewalling partner to self-regulate so that they can stay emotionally connected to their partner. You could try bringing yourself back to the present moment with quick relaxation techniques or mindfulness exercises such as belly breathing.
If you are interested in learning more about how to handle disagreements in your relationship, you might enjoy these Fair Fighting Rules.
Communicating well in our relationships takes time and effort. We don’t always learn these positive communication tools from the families we grow up in. But it is never too late to learn new techniques and bring about some more positivity in your relationships!
